Hey, That's My Cape! - Aquaman Needs A New Costume


Newsarama Note: We welcome Hey, That's My Cape! to Newsarama after a successful run of the column over at Heartless Doll. This Op/Ed column expresses the opinion of the writer, and can be seen here weekly from here on out. So welcome Jill Pantozzi, and get ready to argue with her… Take it away, Jill!

Hi everybody! (HI, DOCTOR NICK!) Actually I’m Jill, but you may also know me as The Nerdy Bird. I’ve written for Newsarama before but I’m here now to introduce you to something new, “Hey, That’s My Cape!”

What is “Hey, That’s My Cape!” exactly? I’ll tell you. HTMC! was a column I started at the now (sadly) defunct Heartless Doll. Heartless Doll was mainly lady-oriented commentary with a mix of pop-culture thrown in with a lot of humor. My editor thought it would be a great idea to start a comic book column there and knew I was the one for the job. Hence, HTMC! was born.

HTMC! is not just about superheroes as the title might suggest, it’s simply about comics (feel free to browse the archives). Sometimes it will be about things I’m particularly excited about or for, sometimes it will be reviews of stuff I’ve already read or perhaps a particular topic I’d like to put forth to the masses and see what they think.

I can also guarantee there will be a significant amount of sassiness on my part. Most importantly, I will always try to make it something fun. If not for you, then at least for me. See? I told you about the sass. Enough of all that, let’s get on with the first HTMC! at Newsarama!

I made an observation the other day while reading Brightest Day #1, specifically while looking at Mera and Aquaman. Those characters could really use new costumes. I know, we’re all extremely picky about how our favorite characters are presented. I’m sure I’d scream bloody murder on the internet if DC ever made a major change to the Green Lantern uniforms but hear me out.

My reasons for the change are two-fold. First, I thought of the poor artists. Ivan Reis, Pat Gleason, Ardian Syaf, Scott Clark and Joe Prado are all on Brightest Day so the work is spread around but with the momentum and plans Geoff Johns has for Aquaman you know we’ll need an ongoing artist soon. Mera and Aquaman combined have a LOT of scales on their bodies and they look like a pain to draw.

Granted, the same can be said about Zatanna’s fishnets but that leads me to my second reason. Hydrodynamics. Mera and Aquaman need exclusive contracts with Speedo. Like, yesterday. Olympian Gold Medalist Michael Phelps wore Speedo’s LZR Racer at the Beijing games and that man’s records alone are the proof in the pudding but here are some specifics.

Speedo has had a long history of creating hydrodynamic bathing suits and keeps getting better with each year. The LZR is composed of a woven elastane-nylon and polyurethane and was tested, among other places, in NASA’s tunnel facilities. It reduces drag, allows for better oxygen flow to the muscles and helps repel water.

And you can’t argue with hard numbers. Of all the swimming races at the Beijing Olympics, 92 percent were won by competitors dressed in the suit and 23 out of the 25 World Records broken in Beijing were by LZR wearers.

The international swimming federation, FINA, now demands that the suits do not go past the shoulder but for any of you Aquaman purists, there’s no reason his can’t (or stay the same colors for that matter). And if it makes you feel better, one of Speedo’s previous designs was based on sharkskin.

So what do you think? Are the scales absolutely necessary or should Mera and Aquaman shed them for increased efficiency? At the very least, Mera will most certainly lose tons of drag once she sucks in her lovely, heaving bosom.

I feel the wave of backlash against my idea already. Don’t judge me too harshly, this is all in good fun. Aquaman is “the fish guy” after all so having him look like one is part his magic and I’m well aware of that.  


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