IRON MAN Vs.... Mister Doll???1 of 12
Earlier this week we ran down the best Iron Man villains ever - the guys Tony Stark wouldn't want to meet in a dark boardroom or alley. We were inspired by one of those villains, Ghost, making his way to the big screen in Ant-Man and the Wasp.
But here are 10 characters who are almost certain to never receive an A-List performance, or even an appearance in an Iron Man sequel — or any other film.
Iron Man has some of the coolest villains in Marvel Comics, and along with that, some of the absolute very worst. Apologies in advance.
DREADKNIGHT2 of 12
Oh, Dreadknight. Not so terrible, except for his spectacular delusions of grandeur. A Latverian scientist by the name of Bram Velsing in the employ of Doctor Doom, Dreadknight felt that he was superior to Doom — despite not having discovered time travel, mastered sorcery, or being smarter than even Reed Richards.
So Dreadknight accomplished a feat outside the reach of even mighty Doom, by building a suit of medieval inspired battle armor and making a flying horse, with the help of his friend Victoria Frankenstein. Since Dungeons and Dragons is the national religion of Latveria, Doom was pleased with this and sent Dreadknight after Iron Man time and time again, and because Dreadknight is a self-loathing narcissist, he just kept going for it until pretty much the entire Marvel Universe had rolled critical successes against his THAC0.
GODZILLA3 of 12
Wait, what? Godzilla is awesome. It's true. But that's kind of what makes it so stupid that he and Iron Man got in a fight. For starters, Iron Man already has a giant dragon monster to kick around, and Godzilla has plenty of robot men of his own to hang out with.
But leave it to good old Dr. Demonicus, himself a candidate for this list, to hypnotize the scourge of Japanese monster movies into fighting Iron Man because Charles Barkley and Fin Fang Foom were apparently both busy that day.
BOOMERANG4 of 12
Guess what this guy does? Guess where he is from?
Boomerang has fought everyone from Spider-Man to the Hulk, but his connection to technology has made Tony Stark a prime target for his mischief. The Marvel wiki lists his trick boomerangs as follows:
Shatterangs - These detonate with a force equivalent to 20 hand grenades.
Gasarangs - These release highly concentrated tear gas upon impact.
Razorangs - These razor-edged boomerangs are capable of slicing through steel.
Screamerangs - These generate high-intensity sonic waves as they fly through the air.
Bladarangs - These whirling boomerangs cut like buzzsaw blades.
Gravityrangs - These Create a local gravity field around their target.
Reflexerangs - These are solid-weighted boomerangs
Absolutely nothing else needs to be said to explain why Boomerang is a stereotype who walks around throwing other stereoptypes at people, but let's point out a couple things.
First, don't his "Razorangs" make his "Bladarangs" redundant? Second, his "Shatterangs" apparently explode with the force of "20 hand-grenades." That's a crapload of hand grenades.
Finally, Boomerang apparently has technology capable of generating "concentrated fields of gravity," and yet all he can think to do with it is attach it to a flying stick. This really highlights either the pathos of a great villain, or the inability of whoever came up with "gravityrangs" to judge the ramifications of his decisions.
VIBRO5 of 12
Thank God Alton Vibreaux got vibration-based super powers when he fell into the San Andreas fault — 'cause that's how cracks in the Earth work, natch — because he really would have had to think hard to come up with some kind of codename if it had been anything else.
Following a long legacy of punny, name-power supervillains, Vibro has the distinction of not even being silly or fun to look at. Vibro was killed by Wolverine because, seriously, why would this guy even bother trying to fight Wolverine?
I guess two different Iron Men kicking his ass wasn't enough to convince him to retire, though I'd imagine in the three second before he was eviscerated by a whirling cloud of hair and death he cursed himself for not just staying in bed that day.
GARGANTUS6 of 12
Gargantus was a robot caveman from outer space. As cool as that sounds, he still managed to suck dinosaur eggs. Sent by aliens to launch an invasion in the small town of Granville — obviously a cultural and political hub — Gargantus was the one-man strike force sent to conquer earth for his extra terrestrial masters.
Gargantus was built to resemble the Neanderthals that the aliens had encountered in a previous visit to Earth thousands of years in the past, and like all Neanderthals, he was 10 feet tall and had the power to hypnotize people. After hypnotizing all of Granville, Tony Stark became aware that something was amiss when the Granville resident he was dating skipped a date. And, since nobody leaves Tony Stark hanging — nobody — Iron Man appeared on the scene and quickly made Gargantus look like the cosmic fool we all knew him to be.
THE ACTOR7 of 12
In the '60s, Stan Lee wrote pretty much all the comic books that Marvel published at the time, and while Iron Man was sort of popular, he wasn't one of the big stars of the company yet. So the villains for ol' Shellhead weren't always top shelf.
A "master" of espionage, The Actor had the power to act like just about anyone. He also had the novel concept of being a Soviet spy, sent to replace Tony Stark.
Here's the thing; The Actor actually was a pretty good actor. He even fooled his own boss, the Red Barbarian, into thinking he was a Soviet turncoat so convincingly that the Red Barbarian had him killed on the spot.
THE MELTER8 of 12
The Melter is so much more than an old man in an aluminum adult diaper. He's also an old man with the power to melt Iron Mans - and basically not a lot else. Visually based on what a five-year-old wears when he's allowed to dress himself, The Melter mounted his melting gun on his chest — making it super easy to aim and incredibly effective as a weapon — and strapped on some stripey tights, his wife's opera jacket, and the coolest helmet ever, and set about to menace popsicles the world over.
Mercifully, the original Melter, Bruno Horgan, was killed by the Scourge when it was discovered that the Melter's greatest weakness, besides plastic ice cubes, was bullets. Goodnight, sweet prince.
MISTER DOLL9 of 12
Mister Doll was a criminal genius who dressed like an extra from Where the Wild Things Are, and menaced Iron Man with the terrifying power of dolls, or something.
Mister Doll was last seen in a team up with Betsy-Wetsy and a Tickle-Me-Elmo.
THE UNICORN10 of 12
Despite his magical name, The Unicorn never really did anything too crazy. In fact, his origin story was pretty cool. He was a Russian scientist who worked alongside the original Crimson Dynamo. When Crimson Dynamo defected, The Unicorn was sent to America to kick his ass.
But seriously folks.
Take a look at this guy. He has a giant hat with a lens on top so he can shoot a laser from his face. Oh, also, his face laser is called the "power horn."
According to Wikipedia, he was last seen "attempting to walk from New York to Moscow, and is assumed to have drowned." What a sad ending for this most noble of God's monsters.
ANGEL11 of 12
That's right, Angel from the X-Men.
Iron Man and Angel clashed when Angel, flying high above Washington DC, looked down and noticed Tony Stark. Stark was waving, so Angel naturally thought that he wanted to bro out. You know, rich industrialist hanging tough with a wealthy, winged teenager, that sort of thing. So, Angel flew down to get Stark's autograph.
What Angel didn't realize was that despite all evidence to the contrary, Stark wasn't waving Angel over, he was trying to warn him about the nuclear blast that was about to go off right where Angel was flying. Whoops.
Because he is really friendly and really bad at reading human social cues, Angel was caught in the explosion and vaporized. Or not. Actually, he survived, and flew off, contemplating the meaning of his life after surviving at ground zero of an atomic blast. Deciding that it was all just garbage anyway, Angel decided to join up with Magneto, his arch-enemy, and stole some dynamite from Tony Stark in the hopes that a big enough explosion would summon Magneto's attention, even though basically the biggest explosion possible at the time had just occurred, and Magneto was nowhere in sight.
Confronting Angel in the air as Iron Man, Stark attempted to reason with the winged mutant. When that failed, he decided to just give up and fight the poor kid, because that's how adults handled problems in the '60's. When he couldn't defeat Angel for fear of permanently harming or killing him, Stark decided that there was only one way out.
He disabled his jets, sending him careening towards Earth. At the last moment, Angel swooped down and rescued his foe. After safely landing, Iron Man explained that, "just as he suspected" — because what other conclusion could a brilliant engineer like Stark come to — the nuclear blast that spared Angel's life, also changed his demeanor, making him moody and angsty - you know, atomic puberty. By endangering his own life, Iron Man forced Angel to snap out of it and save him.
As far as I know, Angel was never treated for radiation poisoning, so add that to the list of his super powers.
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