AVENGERS XXX: A PORN PARODY Surprisingly Comic-Book Faithful

 

Somewhere in the multiverse, there's a version of Earth where The Avengers XXX: A Porn Parody made a billion dollars.

In that alternate world – let's call it “Earth 69” –  it's the comic book movies without graphic, prolonged sex scenes that are the lowly parodies of a genre. Over there, Avengers XXX director Axel Braun is that world's version of Joss Whedon, complete with obsessive fans (“Braunies”) who revel in his keen grasp of the intersection between filmmaking and raw, uncut nerdery.

Earth 69 is a strange place, but I assure you – it's out there.

Here in our world, however, we have to look at Braun's latest porn parody through a different lens – a more SFW lens. We live in a world where James Cameron's Avatar has made almost $3 billion, but Braun's porn parody This Ain't Avatar XXX made, well... I'm not entirely sure, but I think it's safe to assume the number doesn't include the word “billion.”

Basically, we live in a world where a movie like The Avengers XXX will never receive the recognition it deserves for keeping the “fan” in fan-service porn.

At first glance, it's easy to dismiss The Avengers XXX as run-of-the-mill cosplay porn, but it doesn't take long – before anyone even gets naked, actually – to discover that there's a spark of something special here. Amidst all of the flesh and grunting and costumes with strategically placed openings, there's some genuine, legitimate comics cred in the story, lovingly inserted into the film like, well... let's just leave that comparison alone. You get the idea.

From Nick Fury (Lexington Steele) making a passing mention of writing checks for S.H.I.E.L.D. employees Ms. Marvel (Lexi Swallow) and Spider-Woman (Jenna Presley), to Black Widow (Brooklyn Lee) asking Hawkeye (Eric Masterson) whether he's going to start that West Coast branch of the team, The Avengers XXX is not just fond of Marvel canon, it makes sweet, sweet love to it. Doubters need only hear Ms. Marvel name-drop Living Laser and Constrictor to know there's more than just a passing acquaintance with the Marvel Universe at play here.

Still, the basic narrative of The Avengers XXX makes only slightly more sense than the typical porn, with Nick Fury bringing together a disparate group of superheroes in order to stop the Hulk from destroying Las Vegas. Spoiler alert: They're too busy grinding to actually get Hulk under control, and except for a brief scene in which Iron Man (Dale DaBone) gets knocked across several counties, we don't see much of the green goliath in the film – though the same can't be said of his cousin.

Unfortunately for everyone, She-Hulk (Chyna) does get a lengthy scene with Thor, and seeing the former professional wrestler covered in green body paint while getting the business end of Thor's hammer could possibly be one of the saddest moments in the history of comics. (Honestly, it's like one of the more disturbing scenes from Garth Ennis and Darick Robertson's comic book series The Boys brought to life, and it will haunt me for the rest of my life.)

Potentially traumatizing moments aside, it's clear that The Avengers XXX actors' ability to deliver lines wasn't what brought them to this project, and it's hard to ignore some of the more egregious deviations from the source material. (I'm not sure which pairing seems more strange: Nick Fury and Sharon Carter or Ms. Marvel and Scarlet Witch.) More than anything else, the film is a series of sex scenes with some shockingly comics-literate segues that serve to connect each of these sequences.

 

Still, it's easy to be entertained by the version of the Marvel Universe that Braun presents, with Scarlet Witch (Danni Cole) ranting about people who mistake her powers for magic (“Everyone thinks that – but my mutant power alters probability!”) right before she shows Ms. Marvel some of her other powers. (Hint: her other powers are sexy powers.)

It's also worth noting that The Avengers XXX actually does a nice job with both the characters' costumes and the occasional digital effects that appear in the film. Hawkeye and Scarlet Witch are sporting nice approximations of their classic costumes, but Iron Man's armor is possibly the best example, offering a nice indication of how far we've come from the days of standing in front of a fan and green screen while pretending to fly.

On a semi-related note, the actor who plays Iron Man in The Avengers XXX just might be the most prolific superhero actor of all time. No, seriously.

Prior to playing Tony Stark in this film, the wonderfully named Dale DaBone played porn-parody versions of Superman (Supergirl XXX), Batman (Batman XXX), David Banner (The Incredible Hulk XXX), Jor-El (Superman XXX), as well as my personal favorite role from his resume (though a non-comics one), Alex Trebeck (This Ain't Hollywood Squares XXX).

 

Give this man an award right now. I don't care which one – just give him something.

Faithful to the end, The Avengers XXX even apes Marvel's fan-friendly movie formula by teasing the future of the “franchise” in the final moments. After the team eventually decides to stop fighting and fornicating long enough to make a trip to Antarctica, they (spoiler alert!) discover a certain, conspicuously absent character's body frozen in a glacier.

Yes, such is the world of Earth 69, where superheroes solve disagreements by humping their way to common ground. And while I'm not sure I want to live in this magical, sweaty world, it's hard to argue with the proof of its existence that The Avengers XXX offers up. Sure, it will never happen, but it's nice to think that in an alternate version of our own world, there's a Marvel Universe where The Avengers XXX is official canon.

I mean, come on – is it really any weirder than Marvel Apes?

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