Once again, Newsarama convinced me that I would be fine if they sent me to a convenient adjacent dimension to interview a beloved super-being. Seeing as I’d done this for a couple of Halloweens and a memorable Thanksgiving, I figured it would be worth another trip. This time, though, the objective was not to find out about how a super-hero views his merchandise; on this occasion, we’re going to talk movies.
So, please welcome our special guest, The Odinson, the God of Thunder, The Mighty Thor!
Thor: Verily. Well met again, yon Blog Guy.
Newsarama: Thank you, Thor. I see you brought a friend.
Thor: Indeed! With me today is Heimdall the Watchful, Guardian of the Bifrost!
Nrama: Greetings, sir.
Heimdall: Verily. Heimdall doth look forward to dispelling a few misconceptions that Midgard’s Land of Hollywood hath perpetuated.
Nrama: Right . . . okay, Thor, first question . . . have you seen the film?
Thor: I say thee nay, Blog Guy.
Nrama: Really? I would have thought that you’d get a look.
Thor: So did the Odinson.
Hemidall: Likewise, I thought there would be a degree of casting approval . . .
Thor: Not now, Heimdall. You see, this saddens me greatly. Wouldst thou not think that the Odinson would merit a seat at the premiere? Nay, a screener?! And yet, and YET, despite all of the good works that Thor has done, despite the inevitable lining of the coffers that a dramatization of the Odinson’s exploits will bring Marvel and the Kingdom of the Magic Mouse alike, Thor finds himself frozen out like the Cask of Ancient Winters.
Heimdall: The Shakespearian hath much to answer for.
Nrama: So, uh, Heimdall . . . what are your concerns?
Heimdall: Heimdall is as open-minded as the next god. For Odin’s sake, I work upon a rainbow. But Loki in all his vileness hath made me a laughingstock. Aside from lining the halls of Asgard with posters of my visage that read “The Nick Fury of Asgard”, he hath paid Bragi to play the theme from “Shaft” upon his harp at my approach.
Thor: Truly, his wickedness knows no bounds.
Nrama: My editor, He Who Sits Above in Manhattan, thought that this might be an issue. He arranged another dimensional crossing so that Movie Thor and Movie Heimdall could both be here as well.
Thor: The plot doth thicken! Well done, Blog Guy.
Nrama: Greetings, er, Movie Thor and Movie Heimdall.
Movie Thor: And a g’day to you, Blog Guy! Crikey, who’d have thought we’d be interviewed on Newsarama? She’s a beauty!
Thor: Is this a jest? He said “Crikey”.
Movie Thor: Not at all! Crikey means “gee, whiz, wow!”
Thor: The Odinson knows what it means.
Movie Thor: Right. Well, I hope you all enjoy the filmic representation of your adventures, mate. We hope we’ve done you and all your other Australians proud.
Movie Thor: Wot?
Thor: You said Australians. We are Asgardians.
Movie Thor: Well as long as your azz is guardian the planet, we’ll be all right.
Thor: Mayhap this is how Banner feels . . .
Nrama: So, Movie Heimdall . . .
Movie Heimdall: Blogger, is you taking notes on a criminal f*@&ing conspiracy?
Nrama: It’s an interview . . .
Movie Heimdall: I ain’t involved in none of that gangster bulls(!#.
Thor: His words are strange . . .yet familiar . . .
Movie Heimdall:Make this quick, I got a meet.
Thor: I know! What merriment! He is speaking only phrases found on The Wire!
Heimdall: I sense the hand of Loki yet again . . . and I do not like where it is.
Movie Thor: Hey now, cobber, don’t get your Budgie smugglers in a twist! It’s easy to be a knocker when you haven’t seen the film, but it’s a ripper!
Heimdall: I literally have no idea what you just said.
Movie Heimdall: Budgie smugglers?! Sweet Yule!
(Both Movie Thor and Movie Heimdall dissolve into laughter.)
Thor: Wait! I know those mocking tones.
(Thor shakes Mjolnir; a burst of electricity shorts out a holographic image inducer. Sitting in place of Movie Thor and Movie Heimdall are Hawkeye and Spider-Man.)
Hawkeye: Oh s#!$.
Thor: Thinkest thou funny to commandeer The Odinson’s interview, do thou? I might expect as much from Spider-Man, as he is an inveterate jester. But thee, Hawkeye?
Spider-Man: Don’t call me inveterate. I have a spine.
Hawkeye: He meant—
Spider-Man: Good Lord, Clint. I know what he meant.
Thor: Dost thou not have better things to do?
Hawkeye: Mockingbird’s hanging out with the other ladies.
Spider-Man: And I’m not married.
Spider-Man: Great, guys. That never gets old.
Nrama: Uh, fellas, am I to intuit that you set this up with my editor? Lucas?
Spider-Man: The guy in the white pants? Nah. We set it up with the other guy.
Thor: Doran! He did fully and knowingly participate in two deceptions of the Odinson!
Thor: Well, that whole Sentry thing. But let it not be said that you deceive the Mighty Thor! Fool Thor once, shame on thou. Fool Thor twice, and Thor hits you with a hammer. Let us away, fellow Avengers. You may make amends with Thor this day by, how wouldst thou say, putting the hurt on this mortal Doran.
(Thor whirls his hammer and he, Hawkeye and Spider-Man disappear)
Nrama: I guess that about wraps it up.
Heimdall: I remain.
Nrama: Do you still want to talk about the film?
Heimdall: Perhaps ‘tis better to just let it go. I have but one question regarding the events that just transpired.
Heimdall: What be these Budgie smugglers?Visit Newsarama on FACEBOOK and TWITTER and tell us what you think!