ROYAL WEDDING Advice From Comics Couples to Will & Kate

ROYAL WEDDING Advice From Comics Couples

As the world turns its attention to London and the marriage of Prince William and Kate Middleton, it's worth remembering one thing: They're very, very lucky that they're not superheroes. Because, if there's one thing that superheroes are known for, it's that their marriages almost always end in disaster (With the one shining exception of Lois and Clark Kent - a marriage that is happy and successful, if you ignore the fact that Clark has pretty much abandoned Lois for the last two years to go to New Krypton and then, once that was destroyed and he promised her never to leave her again, wandering off across America to find himself). Want proof? Well, you asked for it...

 

The Vision And The Scarlet Witch

These newlyweds were the William and Kate of their day - She was a commoner made good, while he was an emotionless robot beloved worldwide because of the organization he belonged to. And, for awhile after their star-studded wedding, everything was fine - until the government dismantled him and the realization that their two children were, in fact, parts of the soul of a supervillain drover her mad, leading to a separation that lasted many, many times the length of their nuptial bliss. Consider this a warning, William and Kate.

 

The Atom and Jean Loring

These newlyweds were the William and Kate of their day - She was an independent woman with her own mind, while he was insulated from the real world by a societal structure that supported his every whim (Like you don't think that's what academia is really like). And, for awhile after their star-studded wedding, everything was fine - until she cheated on him, he ran away to a sub-atomic barbarian playground, returned to find her in a new relationship, watched as that new relationship fell apart, rekindled their relationship, watched in horror as she turned out to be crazy and flambe her best friend before becoming possessed by the spirit of evil as personified by a black diamond and eventually being eaten by a shark. There's a moral to this tale of woe, William and Kate: Work at keeping your marriage healthy - and keep your spouse away from mystically-charged jewelry.

 

The Sub-Mariner and Marrina

These newlyweds were the William and Kate of their day - She was an ingenue arriving in a world that could hardly disguise its curiosity about her, while he was internationally-recogized royalty. And, for awhile after their star-studded wedding, everything was fine - until her alien DNA took over, she became a massive killer alien whale thing and was killed by her husband so as to protect the world from being overrun by an alien race. I'm sure those nine years the two of you have been together have let you get to know Kate well, William, but let's face it: Are you sure she's not a killer alien whale in disguise?

 

Spider-Man and Mary-Jane Watson

These newlyweds were the William and Kate of their day - She was a style icon, while he was a hero of the people, tirelessly fighting for what's right while other, more publicly-acceptable heroes took all the glory. And, for awhile after their star-studded wedding, everything was fine - until, plagued by family drama and a number of bad choices, a demon appeared and offered to fix everything if only he could undo their marriage for reasons that aren't exactly clear to this day, but apparently not all that important in the grand scheme of things. The lesson of this story, William and Kate? Don't mess with criminal kingpins who can have your frail old aunt shot.

 

Aquaman and Mera

These newlyweds were the William and Kate of their day - She was beloved by the people, while he was a kind and benevolent regal presence in his city. And, for awhile after their star-studded wedding, everything was fine - until their child was murdered by supervillains, leading to a fight between the two during which he mistakenly believes that he's killed her, only for her to disappear to another dimension before returning, making up with her husband only for him to die as the result of some transformation into an old mentor character that I still don't quite understand, and then he's alive again thanks to a magic lantern, but then she's dead and then she's not and it turns out she was supposed to kill him but she loved him instead and oh God Aquaman backstory really hurts my head when I try to think about it too much. If there's one thing William and Kate should learn from this whole mess of events, it's this: Always check whether your spouse really is dead after violent marital disputes, just to save time and retcons down the road.

There are, of course, one comics couple that William and Kate really should try to learn from: Reed and Sue Richards, who have managed to stay together for a long, long time - I think it's because he's so flexible and she's so transparent, personally. But just to ensure that tomorrow's wedding goes off without a hitch, it's probably be best if someone took the time to change get Prince Harry and some random friend irradiated with cosmic rays, just in case.

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