Can J'ONN J'ONZZ & BLACK WIDOW Defeat Immigration Laws?

Best Shots Advance Reviews: BLACK WIDOW

It is a troubling time for immigrants of all stripes.  The tired, the poor and the huddled masses yearning to breathe free are under fire thanks to new laws and persistent security fears.  Still, those desperate to improve their lots in life with the promise that America holds face the challenge that America imposes: the risk of life to either gain entry or escape their origins and the risk to be accepted in their chosen fields among born citizens.  

Luckily, buried deep within the US Code is Title 8, Chapter 12, Subchapter II, Part II, Section 1184(i)(1)(A) is the definition of a “Specialty Occupation” that is required to earn a H-1B work visa and stay in the United States.  A “Specialty Occupation” is a job that requires the theoretical and practical application of a body of highly specialized knowledge that few others possess. This just so happens to be a trait that many of the USA’s most popular fictional immigrants have, but will it be enough to keep them from deportation?

Name: J'onn J'onzz a/k/a John Jones a/k/a Martian Manhunter

Place of Origin: Mars (Sol 4)

Illegal Entry Location/Date: Detective Comics #225 (1955)

Method of Entry: Communications/teleportation experiment resulting in the supposedly accidental death of an American citizen (see: Erdel, Dr. Saul)

Section 1184(i)(1)(A) Qualifications:  Mr. J’onzz posses a volume of meta-human abilities, most alarming include inhuman strength, the power of flight, density control, shape-shifting and telepathy.

Recommendation of Immigration board:  Since his illegal entry, Mr. J’onzz has used his abilities in a positive manner, serving society in both his ‘human’ and super-heroic guises.  However, given the nature of his entry into the United States and the disturbing implications of his mind-control powers it is recommended that Mr. J’onzz undergo a period of probation and close observation at a secure facility before citizenship or an H-1B work visa is granted.

Name: "Groundskeeper" Willie

Place of Origin: Glasgow or Aberdeen, Scotland (disputed)

Illegal Entry Location/Date: The Simpsons “Principal Charming” (1991)

Method of Entry: Unknown

Section 1184(i)(1)(A) Qualifications: Despite dubious-at-best claims of winning multiple awards for schoolyard maintenance, Mr. Willie possesses no specialized knowledge apart from wolf wrestling, hole digging and insult generation.

Recommendation of Immigration board:  On hold pending the capture of the currently greased-up Scotsman.  Investigation into the local school district to ascertain how payment for services was made is recommended, also recommended is further cutting of the school’s budget.

Name: Niko Bellic

Place of Origin: Unknown, presumed to be Serbia

Illegal Entry Location/Date: Grand Theft Auto IV (2008)

Method of Entry:  Via container ship Platypus docked in Liberty City Harbor

Section 1184(i)(1)(A) Qualifications:  Mr. Bellic is a seasoned combat veteran as well as a demolitions and pursuit driving expert.

Recommendation of Immigration board:  Mr. Bellic’s violent nature and a total disregard for vehicular property statutes make him a strong candidate for immediate deportation…although this board may be reconsider if he were to perform a couple of ‘simple tasks’ for us in relation to our ongoing ‘territory squabbles’ with the Department of Justice.  We’ll be in touch, Mr. Bellic.

Name: Dr. John Zoidberg

Place of Origin: Decapod 10

Illegal Entry Location/Date: Futurama “The Series Has Landed” (1999)

Method of Entry: Unknown

Section 1184(i)(1)(A) Qualifications:  Dr. Zoidberg claims to be a licensed medical practitioner specially in the care of humans, though evidence to the contrary was copious and easily discovered.

Recommendation of Immigration board: Dr. Zoidberg was the subject of an illegal hiring process designed to undercut the cost of hiring qualified citizen.  Immediate deportation recommended, the employer be to be advised not to attempt another illegal hire if by some miracle his business takes off again.

Name: Natasha Romanoff a/k/a Natalie Rushman a/k/a Natalia Romanova a/k/a Black Widow

Place of Origin: Volgograd, Russia

Illegal Entry Location/Date: Tales of Suspense #52 (1964)

Method of Entry:  Clandestine, on the orders of the former KGB

Section 1184(i)(1)(A) Qualifications:  Ms. Romanoff is well trained in multiple martial forms as well as in intelligence and counter-intelligence operations.

Recommendation of Immigration board:  As a foreign national and a person-of-interest in several domestic and international investigations, Ms. Romanoff should be detained and questioned in an extra-jurisdictional facility.

Name:  Norrin Radd a/k/a Silver Surfer

Place of Origin: Zenn-La (Deneb 3)

Illegal Entry Location/Date: Fantastic Four #48 (1966)

Method of Entry:  FTL capable surfboard

Section 1184(i)(1)(A) Qualifications:  Mr. Radd is imbued with the Power Cosmic, the ability to manipulate matter and energy at will.

Recommendation of Immigration board:  Mr. Radd’s intermittent allegiance to an alien power disqualifies him for citizenship under US Code Title 8, Section 1481(a), as confirmed by the Supreme Court in Nishikawa v. Dulles.

Name: Kal-El a/k/a Clark Kent a/k/a Superman

Place of Origin: Krypton (Rao 3)

Illegal Entry Location/Date: Action Comics #1 (1938)

Method of Entry:  Crash of interstellar spacecraft

Section 1184(i)(1)(A) Qualifications: Kal-El possess powers and abilities far beyond those of baseline humanity, including, but not limited to, extra-ballistic speeds, independent flight, the bending of composite metals without mechanical aid and altering the course of natural water flows.

Recommendation of Immigration board:  Illegal entry, falsification of identity documents, illegal employment and vigilante action are just some of the crimes Kal-El is suspected of committing. Prosecution is recommended.  “Adoptive” parents and current spouse should also be detained for aiding and abetting.  

 

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