To all things, comes an end. It is with a little bit of sadness (and a LOT bit of relief) that we inform you we've reached the end of the Damn Dirty Zombies column. This is it, finito, donesy, other made up words for endings.
Have no fear, though, readers. Those of you who liked this column, we still have Damn Dirty Gods to finish up, and we have some Damn Dirty Specials planned for throughout the year. For those of you who didn't like this column, but continued to read it, we say thank you for reading and for making fun of the work we do here. It keeps us at the top of our game.
We also want to thank Geoff Johns, Adam Schlagman, Eddie Berganza, and the countless other writers, artists, editors, letterers, production staff, and drug dealers that clearly helped make this crossover happen. We tease because we love (well, for the most part).
Without further ado: the final issue of Damn Dirty Zombies. Let's see how this white light stuff all turned out, shall we?
SPOILERS ARE ON FROM HERE ON OUT
Green Lantern Corps #46: The battle in Earth's orbit rages on, with the amazing technicolor emotional corps (though Donny Osmond was surprisingly missing) severing Black Lantern connections left and right. We even get to see Dex-Starr coughing up a hairball of doom into a Black Lantern's ear. The various Lanterns are in danger though, getting too swarmed, and Guy proves that Geeks are useful in any situation, borrowing an idea from Star Trek: The Original Series.
The lanterns all spread out and make an incredible web of red, yellow, green, blue, violet, and indigo light, taking out quite a few Black Lanterns, only to be swarmed by an overwhelming number, something to the tune of a hundred thousand.
Ex Girlfriends abound, with Ice being revealed as dead and taunting Guy, and of course one miss Alex bringing Kyle into her lovely final resting place, a refrigerator. We can hear Gail Simone laughing from here.
Guy found the Black Lantern Anti-Monitor (what's an event without old AM?) inside the black power battery, and brings the unified corps down for some help. Noting that Dove has magical bug-zapping powers, they decide to make her quite the unique tool. Wrapping her in a green energy bullet, they load her into the yellow sniper rifle of a giant cockroach, through squares of all the other light, and into the forehead of the undead ruler of an alternate universe that has been destroyed and reborn itself. That was the single best sentence I've ever typed in my life. I LOVE COMICS.
Unfortunately, their efforts were all for naught, and didn't really accomplish much other than getting a couple lanterns dead and one legless. The corps of many colors charges into battle, to be seen again in Blackest Night #8.
Green Lantern #52: The issue starts with John Stewart doing his best Chicken Little impersonation while "A Big, Shiny Light Named Sinestro" shows off his white power. Thanks to a close up, we see that even his boogers are now fueled with the white light of life.
We go on a magical mystery tour of the history of the emotional spectrum (no, the red light did NOT come from the strawberry fields). All of the embodiments of emotion were born on Earth, though we still didn't get names for some. We shall name them now, and Geoff Johns is free to use these: The Red Rage of BullTusk, The Greedy Orange Snake Devoury-slither, Quetzalcoatl the Blue Hope bird, and of course, Sucky the Suction Cup Squid of Compassion. You're welcome, Geoff.
After seeing the birth of the entities, Sinestro gets sliced in half by Nekron, who proceeds to reach into Sinestro's body cavity to try to pull out the Entity (that's the white one). Meanwhile, Coast City is in trouble as Xanshi, the Black Lantern Planet (nice going, John Stewart) is attacking it with gravity and power beams. John leads a misfit band of lanterns into the center of Xanshi, where they detonate a bomb of light and re-destroy the planet, greatly weakening Nekron and Black Hand, and many other Black Lanterns in the process.
"Thaal Sinestro of Korugar. LIVE." With that, Sinestro tells the rest of the corps to step aside, as it's his turn to party with Nekron, leading us to…
Blackest Night #8: AND NOW . . . THE GRAND DAMN FINALE OF DAMN DIRTY ZOMBIES! Whattaya say we page-by-page this mofo? Ladies and Gentlemen, let’s rock.
Page 1 – Hal Jordan’s afraid of something! Candy-ass. Actually, it turns out that Hal is afraid to get close to people, like Carol Ferris (pictured). I’d be kind of afraid to get close to her, too, mainly because she’d knock you over if she turned around too quickly.
Page 2 & 3 – White Lantern Sinestro is ready to throw down with Nekron. It’s a pretty great shot for a couple of reasons. Number one, Ivan Reis does a great job with it. And number two, it shows that Sinestro is really big fan of Tom Wolfe. Or maybe Emily Dickinson. (Quick! Can you sing the Green Lantern oath to the tune of “Yellow Rose of Texas”? I guarantee that the English majors out there are at least snickering.)
Page 4 – Ganthet is one literal-minded son of a bitch. On the upside, that probably makes him a terrible poker player. “Hal Jordan, I do not understand why you bet so highly. Your hand was clearly flawed.” As that conversation plays out, Sinestro proves that he’s one of the good guys by . . .
Page 5 – Ripping Nekron’s heart out of his chest. Unfortunately, that scythe that’s made Caleb Mozzocco a little crazy glows black (like a blacklight, one assumes; sadly, there were no velvet Elvises nearby to test with) . . .
Pag 6- And Nekron is back! Not to be outdone, Nekron punches HIS hand into Sinestro’s chest. This is the DC cosmic equivalent of John Cena and Triple H each trying to beat the other with their opponent’s finishing move. You’ve gotta love the subtle humor in the last panel, by the way. As Carol notes that Sinestro’s EGO is actually powering him, Hal offers to step up; we assume that’s because Hal HAS the biggest ego in recorded history, and would thus be fine.
Page 7 – Luthor gets his greed on, but gets laid out by Larfleeze. The “Konggg” was borrowed from the Van Lente-Pak Institute of Higher Sound Effects. Larfleeze cracks wise, but the mirth doesn’t last. That’s because . . .
Page 8 – Black Lanterns are on the way! DDZ Challenge: in 200 words or less, explain how “Green Lantern: Rebirth”, “The Sinestro Corps War” and “Blackest Night” respectively echo the beats of “Fellowship of the Ring”, “The Two Towers”, and “The Return of the King”. We’re also treated to Hal’s family trying not to freak out as they take solace in Uncle Hal quoting from late ‘80s/early ‘90s T-shirts. DDZ Challenge #2: Explain how Hal Jordan’s philosophy of life echoes the following T-shirt slogans of the past: No Fear, Sh*t Happens, and No Fat Chicks.
Page 9 – Mera vomits napalm on Dolphin, proving once again that Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned . . .especially if she vomits napalm. Indigo-1 summons the tribe with what I assume is the Indigo Tribe version of “Let’s rock!”
Page 10 & 11 – And now it’s a party! The surviving members of all the other color corps are here and ready to fight. (For those taking DDZ Challenge 1, above, this is Aragorn and the armies of the West, including the Rangers of the North and an assemble from southern Gondor, arriving at Pelennor Fields. If you’re about to say, “Wait, that’s the not the armies of the West, that’s the armies of the Dead!”, then you haven’t read the book and lose DDZ Challenge 1).
Page 12 & 13 – The Corps Corps brings the fight to Nekron. Deadman hops into Guy Gardner. After briefly choking on the memory of Ice dressing up as a Guardian for Guy at Halloween, Deadman reveals the stuff he’s been learning through the entire event. It’s great to see story threads come together!
Page 14 – Hey, Nekron’s pissed! Hal proves the previously established big ego by essentially taking credit for his own resurrection. This guy, I tell you.
Page 15 – Barry arrives to lecture Black Hand. Hal touches The Entity (Show us on the doll where Hal touched you, embodiment of white light), and before you know it . . .
Page 16 & 17 – It’s the White Lantern Corps! I will give you a few seconds to make your own jokes that may or may not include references to “white power”, “I notice that they safely kept John Stewart out of there”, D.W. Griffith, or the Hooper X speech from “Chasing Amy” (though I encourage you to mail 25 cents to Kevin Smith if you do).
Page 18 – The White Lanterns and the Entity team up to . . . bring Black Hand back to life? What will that do?
Page 19 – Make him vomit white rings, apparently. Man, this is one vomit-friendly crossover. Regardless, one white ring blows through Nekron, into the Black Battery and . . .
Page 20 – Oh, holy crap. The Anti-Monitor lives.
Page 21 – Surprisingly, this page does NOT include a scene of Barry Allen soiling himself in response to Page 20. Nevertheless, Anti-Monitor and Nekron continues to square off. Black Hand continues to hurl.
Page 22 & 23 – The strain of losing Black Hand and the Battery is too much, and Nekron explodes. As he does, white rings go flying, seeking out some familiar names in the vicinity. One passes through Deadman (uh-oh), and the others . . .
Four Page Fold Out (Page 24-27) – Mouseketeer roll call! Answering the “LIVE” call are Maxwell Lord, Reverse-Flash, Hank Hall Hawk, Jade, Captain Boomerang I, Firestorm, Martian Manhunter, Aquaman, Hawkman, Hawkgirl, Deadman and Osiris. We also like the idea that the white rings may have been shouting the other pronunciation of “Live”, like “LIVE, from New York . . .”
Page 28 - Aquaman must be THE Man, because Mera is overcome with love at the sight of him. Her body rejects the Red Lantern rage and she hits the deck.
Page 29 – Fortunately, Carol Ferris and Saint Walker save her from sleeping with the fishes. After a super-powered boost, Mera awakens in the arms of her king. Awwwww.
Page 30 – Hawkman reaches out to Hawkgirl by saying “Kendra”. She responds by addressing some continuity concerns. Then . . .
Page 31 – Holy crap, it’s Shiera! Can I get Silver Age for 100, Alex? At the bottom, Superman proves that he’s NOT the World’s Greatest Detective by shouting at J’onn, “J’onn! You’re alive!” To his eternal credit, J’onn does not say, “No sh*t, Sherlock,” but rather, “It appears so.” With a smile. A smile that seems to be saying, “No sh*t, Sherlock.”
Page 32 – Firestorm splits, and it’s . . . Jason and Ronnie?! Jason is 31 flavors of freaked out because he saw BL Ronnie turn his girlfriend Gehenna into f@#%ing SALT. Ronnie, for his part, is even more confused than normal.
Page 33 – The resurrected Hawk, aka Hank Hall, is still a jerk (but at least he's not Extant). So, apparently, is Maxwell Lord. Big ups to Guy for keeping his eye on the ball, but Lord does that David-Keith-from-Firestarter thing and escapes.
Page 34 – Jade plants one on Kyle, clearly distressing his actual girlfriend. Osiris is sad. Reverse-Flash bugs out, and Captain Boomerang gets punched out by Barry Allen for the
4, 375th time.
Page 35 – Barry realizes that Ralph and Sue are still dead (we think). Barry is also sad.
Page 36 – No one is more freaked out than Deadman. It would seem that his whole sense of self is wrapped up in being dead (see: his name), and he’s totally freaked out that he’s, well, not.
Page 37 – The New Guardians prove that they aren’t the New Comedians as they believe that Larfleeze “giving” them an unconscious Luthor is high comedy. Larfleeze turns it around, demanding the Guardian he was promised. For her part, she noticed that Black Hand is missing, but so is Indigo’s tribe.
Page 38 – The Indigo Tribe has gone their own way, discussing things like “Krona”, “Larfleeze”, and, we believe, “Wizard of Wor”. With them is Black Hand, in chains, wearing an Indigo symbol, and drooling. That’s probably not good.
Page 39 – Barry and Hal are forced to admit that no matter how cool they or anyone else believes they are, they still aren’t as cool as Batman. Wait, that’s not what we’re supposed to get out of this scene? Sorry; we must have misread it. Regardless, Barry and Hal appear to set up the post-BN rules of death and lay some tracks for “Brightest Day”. Wonder if the last page . . .
Page 40 – A white po--, er, a power battery that happens to be white? Does this mean more white rings? Does this mean more resurrections? I bet we’ll find out in “Brightest Day”, won’t we?
What do you say, readers? “Damn Dirty Brightness?”