DAMN DIRTY GODS 3: Captain America's Quick Change
Marvel TEAM SIEGE 3-View
Another issue of the main series hasn’t hit yet, but there have been 6 tie-ins so we thought we’d knock out one more of these. Besides, we just really, really needed to make fun of The Sentry again.
BEWARE, THAR BE SPOILERS HERE! This is a summary or recap column. By it's nature, that means these will be spoiler-filled summaries of the stories found in these comics. These are not reviews, these are spoilers through-and through. Spoilers. Also, there are spoilers from this point on.
Dark Avengers #14: It’s official. Nothing can make us like The Sentry. Not if he washed our car and did our laundry. Not if his power was to shoot kittens and rainbows from his palms. His super-hero name should be The Albatross, because he essentially drags down every plot with either his whining or his need to be isolated and rendered ineffective by whichever writer is using him at the time.
WOW. We feel better. That said, we’re still a little unsure of the invocation of ancient times in the last issue, partially because we’re not sure what the hell stopped The Void. A time-travelling Reed Richards? A kung-fu fighting Jesus? (Okay, that could have been awesome. “I am the Way and the Life. I AM AN AVENGER.”)
The upshot is that Norman ends up saving NYC by talking down The Void/Sentry. He also tasks HawkBullseye with killing Lindy. Yeah, that won’t go well.
And for the record, someone needs to clean that conference table.
Dark Wolverine #83: The last issue ended with Daken gutting Norman Osborne, thus ending Siege and starting the Heroic Age. Wait… it was all an illusion? Damn, no one saw that coming! The fates, who were watching and manipulating Daken in the last issue, explain outright here, that they’re looking to bring about Ragnarok! Apparently, to them, Ragnarok needs to happen every 6 years or so. Daken don’t play dat, though, and throws them around, declaring that he’ll end the world on his own terms. The fates conspire to next show him his greatest fear, and we fade to black.
Thunderbolts #141: The Thunderbolts are sent to steal the Spear of Destiny from the halls of Asgard. Amadeus Cho leads the Mighty Avengers (well, a few of them) to stop them. Thaaaat’s pretty much it here, folks.
Avengers Initiative #33: The Sorta New Warriors attack Camp H.A.M.M.E.R., where they battle a detachment that includes the Hood’s guys that just got webbed to the roof in Spider-Man. (Don’t overthink that; none of this is shipping in order). Back at Agardlahoma, we see a bunch of stuff we’ve already seen from different angles.
At the Camp, things are quickly boiling over. Penance is getting angry. Scarlet Spider messes up the computers. However, The Hood takes out most of the team and tries to leverage Donyell over his brother. Enter Tigra, who has been champing at the bit for another shot at The Hood for a long time. The issue ends mid-fight, basically with Hood trying to make Donyell help him in exchange for a resurrected sibling.
Thor #607: First thing’s first. Hogun needs to learn how to count. “Hundreds dead” at Soldier Field? Try tens of thousands. Which I suppose is “hundreds” if you’re saying “nearly a thousand hundreds” but then you’re just being silly. This story is less about the big bangs of Siege as it is the behind-the-scenes within Asgard. Loki kills a seer who predicts the coming war. Heimdall is removed from the field of battle before one blow is struck.
As the Siege of Asgard begins, we see Volstagg in jail (apparently he makes it to turn himself in over in Embedded…) watching Thor get beat down. He makes a video and posts it to YouTube telling his side of the story. Agent_M tweets it, and his million + followers find out that there’s more to all this than it seems!
At the end, “A” Thor arrives at the jail and strikes down Volstagg, who is unbelieving as to his identity. Tis a mystery left for another day…
New Avengers #62: Man, Spider-Man talks a lot, doesn’t he? Maybe Spider-Woman was in more control than she let on, and actually enjoyed smacking Pete around for a while. As for her controller, The Mandrill, I’m terrified to think what googling him would lead to in the 616. Ugh.
On the ground, Cap, Bucky Cap, and Luke Cage take out the Living Laser. When that’s handled, Luke Cage, rather hilariously, hugs Steve Rogers. This immediately reminds me of “Stu’s Song” from “The Hangover”, but I can’t think of anything that would elegantly rhyme with “Steve” in the way that “Best Friend Doug” rhymes with “Hug”. Nothing appropriate, anyway. Their happiness is short lived, as Nick Fury is on the scene with a gun.
Back on the roof, the Spiders turn the tables on their anthropomorphic foes. Spidey talks down One of Two Jessicas Frequently Mentioned In This Book, and then webs the bad guys to the roof in what appears to be a compromising position. [Honestly though, Spidey calls Spider-Woman Jessica four times, then Luke says, “Don’t tell Jessica” in reference to the pacifier; if you’d never read this book, you’d think that Jessica was Jessica, not that there was another entirely different character named Jessica. You can’t use the “Jessica Jones Cage is usually called Jess” argument either, because Spidey calls SW “Jess” on page 17, which is 11 pages before Jessica Jones finally appears and is identified. You know that would be confusing to a newbie.] He posits that they call the press, who will call the cops, and keep two villains off the streets (at least until Initiative #33).
On, again, the ground, Cap proves himself to Fury, the Secret Warriors show up, and the whole gang pounds some H.A.M.M.E.R. lackeys. Ah, reunions rule. They adjourn to the Avengers Safehouse, where Steve gets a hug from Ms. Marvel that would make Brian Andersen shed a tear. We’re then treated to maybe the third version of Cap watching Thor getting beaten down in Oklahoma that we’ve seen so far. Maybe Steve changed clothes in his Cap outfit, watched it again, and got pissed AGAIN for the ending of SIEGE #1. Or maybe not.