DAMN DIRTY ZOMBIES 13: No, 'Sorry I broke your neck, Max?'

DAMN DIRTY ZOMBIES 13: More PRIME-TIME

We have a BUNCH of tie-ins from the last couple weeks, as this event continues to ramp up, so let’s jump right into the fray!

Wait a second… what’s happening? Troy? Where’d you go? Wait, who are? Oh, no. Not you. Not again!

That’s right, suckers, it’s Prime-time! Let’s talk zombies!

Blackest Night: Wonder Woman #1: If there’s one thing I don’t like about my Earth, it’s that Wonder Woman’s hotness doesn’t roam it. Seriously, who WOULDN’T salute that flag? Plus, she’s like me, she knows that sometimes you just have to do the dirty work, even kill a guy, in order to make everything better. One of the dudes she killed back when he was cleaning house of some of the lamer heroes (I’m looking at you, Blue Boring!) comes back as a Black Lantern, but with his head twisted backwards (HA! Nice touch!). He kills a few people, and she chops his head off, which is just the hottest thing ever. Seriously, Wondy, let’s get all “Kingdom Come” together sometime, whaddaya say? Anyway, they chat for awhile, and she realizes it won’t be quite that easy when about a thousand more black rings fall from the sky, raising the entire Arlington National Cemetery from the grave, and proving that Rucka’s balls are the size of asteroids. After a bit more fighting, Wonder Woman uses that crazy magic lasso of hers to turn every single black lantern into a pile of ash, then flies off while those two soldier guards check her out, and Max starts to slowly reform.

Blackest Night: Flash #1: So, I guess we don’t need to read the rest of Flash: Rebirth, huh? Apparently the end of that has Barry Allen almost killing Reverse Flash, but deciding not to cause he finds out he just came back to life or something. Barry WAS one of the good ones, but I can’t believe they brought him back. It’s like a revolving door of death in these books, seriously! I mean, now of course it is, but like that wasn’t already the case. Anyway, the Rogues, talk about a bunch of nerds, know about the Black Lanterns and are pulling their lame little group together to take them on. When Flash was running around telling the so-called heroes about using light and shining and how Green Arrow’s a punk, Reverse-Flash came back as a Black Lantern. Time travel ROCKS, seriously. They fight for awhile, then Flash runs away and finds out his friend Solovar is dead and a zombie now too. They have a good cry together and Flash gets hit by the black lantern whammy when it gets to 100%, and runs to Coast City to get his butt kicked. Oh, and the rogues, after talking about it for awhile, go off to shoot some zombies. The whole issue basically takes place between the pages of other Blackest Night comics, but at least it all seems like it’ll have real impact on the story.

R.E.B.E.L.S. #11: Oh man, if there’s one team I’d ever join on lame-o New Earth, it’s this one. Vril Dox is SO COOL. He doesn’t take anyone’s crap, his only loyalty is to himself, and he’s always the best guy in the room. Or the spaceship, or space or whatever. Anyway, he got a yellow ring (huh, wonder what THAT’S like… maybe it’s HIM who wants to be like ME) and he fights his ex-wife for awhile. His son, who I guess is supposed to be smarter than him or something, makes a teleporter doorway kinda like the ones in Authority but not quite the same (though Starfish-man, er, Starro does actually call it a Door), and immediately lets all the Black Lantern versions of Starro’s team to come through and attack. Vril and his team and his Sinestro Corpsmen fight some OTHER Black Lanterns when Lyrl comes back through the portal and cries for help. Starro tries to take control of the Black Lanterns but can’t cause they’re brainless. Lyrl, Vril, and Adam Strange team up to make green light (thanks to the Flash’s message that combined light kills Black Lanterns and Green Arrow has no self control), but it doesn’t quite work. So Vril pushes all the BLs, and all the Starros, back through the portal, including his son. He cries about it for awhile (man, people say I’M whiny!) and his yellow ring gets taken away.

Doom Patrol #5:  Oh, please.  I still can’t over the fact that they gave these morts ANOTHER book to waste.  I mean, it’s not enough that they let, what’s his name, A.J. Lieberman?  No, John Byrne!  John Byrne beat them into the ground before Infinite Crisis (which starred me, awwwwe-some), they had to bring them back AGAIN for like the fifth time.  Anyway, I can tell they reaaaallly care since they can’t even get Tempest’s powers right (they gave him the powers of Garth Tempest; at least they didn’t give him the powers of Chris Champion Tempest from Atari Force; that would be lulz for sure).  So anyway, formerly Dead Doom Patrol fights formerly Dead Doom Patrol.  Robotman makes a reference to Grant Morrison Doom Patrol when he says, “Rebis”, which confuses the hell out of anyone that wasn’t reading in, like, the ‘80s.  Seriously.  To get that reference, you had to be reading Doom Patrol when “Straight Up” by Paula Abdul was #1 on the charts.  Anyway, it all ends with a Deux Ex Machina (no, not that lame book with the mayor; like, a literary device) when both formerly Dead Doom Patrols get teleported into a later issue of the crossover.

Booster Gold #27:  Am I the only one to notice that all the Dark Skies crossovers follow the same pattern?  Black Lanterns shows up (ooooooh!  Scary!), hero gets upset (cue Rainbow Vision), supporting characters are in danger, maybe someone dies, heroes get Flash’s message or wise up, everyone on hand just happens to come up with a way to beat back/connection severed the Black Lanterns, then they all race off to join a later issue.  Oh, it’s just me?  Leave up to me (Mr. Prime-Time, bay-bee!) to break the mold.  Anyway, that dweeb Booster Gold and that big dork Blue Beetle Number Three and that loser Supernova and “I just” Rip “one” Hunter fight Black Lantern Blue Beetle Number Two.  The heroes follow the pattern, sever the connection, and bury Black Lantern Blue Beetle Number Two.  After that, they watch a special Blue Beetle Number Two PowerPoint presentation.  The book ends with Booster’s sort of hot formerly dead sister a bunch of years in the past.  She probably went there to look up that Rebis reference.  When she does, she’ll find out they got Tempest’s powers wrong.  LOL!

Adventure Comics #5:  Awwww yeah!  This one’s all about me again!  With a Perez referenced cover!  (Nobody’s ever done that.)  On the inside . . . man, that Geoff Johns sure writes me like a whiny bitch sometimes.  The story starts with me getting attacked by all the Black Lanterns of all the people I killed except the ones that they needed for Blackest Night: Titans and stuff.  I get so pissed that I try to kill the staff at DC Comics; I start off by smashing Dan Didio’s desk, accidentally destroying “Ambush Bug #6”.  The fight rages everywhere!  The Titans books are a shambles!  Then we break their office, too!  Next, I punch one of those butt nuggets right through the wall of the Batman office.  I give the Assistant Editor with the hot glasses a second glance, then I smash through some more rooms.  Finally, I find those douchebags Eddie Berganza and Adam Schlagman.  I’m about to show those guys that issue #6 comes after issue #5 when Mr. High and Mighty “I Used to Have a Man-Perm” Black Lantern Alexander Luthor shows up.  I toss Eddie and Adam aside like their prom dates and the Black Lanterns whisk me back to my basement.  Skullhead blathers on about me not having control, despite the fact that he’s sort of DEAD and I’m all kinds of NOT.  That bonehead that wrote the review for Newsarama talked about this crap.  He said that I was metatextual, but really, I’ve never had any chest hair.  Anyway, I decide that the only way to shut Lexie up is to put a black ring on.  I start feeling all kinds of stuff, which sucks, because I thought being a super-hero was all about hitting stuff and not about feeling stuff.  I wind up beating all the zombies down and wrecking my basement at the same time.  So, I admit it.  I cry.  While I’m sitting there all emo, Laurie shows up.  She tells everything is going to be all right; since I’m supposed to represent bad fans and she’s supposed to represent girls, I guess that means that bad fans are fixed when they get a girl.  I dunno.  It looks like she has a black ring and inky veins in the last panel, so I’m not sure.  I mean, I’m a super-hero, right?  I’m not supposed to have subtext.  Oh, well.  Time to go.  “Jersey Shore” is on.

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