Blackest Night: DAMN DIRTY ZOMBIES 11: "It's PRIME-Time!"

Blackest Night: DAMN DIRTY ZOMBIES 11

What's up, nerds? Superboy Prime here, with my first ever.... Wait, this isn't my own column? It's Damn Dirty Zombies?! Oh, MAN, this stupid column is still going? Now they're gonna drag me into this and make fun of me, aren't they? These no-talent idiots aren't funny, and all they do is make the same stupid jokes over and over. Seriously, how far into the ground can they drive the "they're not zombies" comment that editor made on that blog? Anyway, I guess I should let this happen and get it over with. I can't wait to flame this crap in the comments section. It's Prime Time!

Adventure Comics #4: Meta, meta, meta, meta, meta. Be prepared for a bit of a confusing tale that happens in the comic and outside the comic and in our world and in the world of the DCU.

So, the issue starts with Superboy Prime actually reading this exact comic book, in "our" world, Earth Prime. He reads the ending, clearly looking at the last page of the book, and flips out. Apparently, he really REALLY wishes that Dawnstar and Wildfire could just have a real, full, emotional, and physical love. Poor star-crossed Legionnaires...

Anyway, we then see the tag "Earth" and get a memory-download-recap of Alexander Luthor of Earth-3's life, especially as it pertained to "Crisis on Infinite Earths" and "Infinite Crisis." After he rises, we find out this issue takes place prior to the last several tie-ins and Blackest Night #4, as the Black Ring power levels are only at 57%. Luthor teleports to another world...

In the 31st Century, we briefly learn that the Legion "threeboot" team is the Legion of Earth-Prime, and THEY are reading a digital copy of "Final Crisis: Legion of Three Worlds." As DC has yet to implement any kind of digital strategy, it's safe to assume Brainy downloaded it off a bit torrent tracker. An alarm goes off, indicating time has been altered, and we jump back to the present of Earth Prime.

Young Clark Kent apparently isn't very up on how comics are published, and decides to run to the comic shop and get the next issue of "Adventure" so he can see what happens next in the love lives of the Legion. His parents are understandably scared of him, as they've seen everything he did in the other worlds. He gets to his local comic shop only to find out the next issue hasn't come out yet, and he hits a computer to visit Newsarama.com (Well, where else would he go?) and DC Comics' own website looking for hints as to his own fate.

His old buddy Alex, now in full on BL form, shows up, noting that the computer is "a conduit for the rage of the people on this earth," and that the people really hate Pri-

HEY! Shut up! You've already made enough jokes about me! Just do the stupid recap and go make fun of Bizarro or something!

Ahem, thanks, Clark. A fight ensues, and Alexander Luthor pushes Clark back into his "Superman-Prime" persona, causing him to spout his awesome new catch phrase, "IT'S PRIME TIME!"

They fight a bit more, Luthor reveals that he brought along a bunch of people Prime had killed, and announces that "Superboy-Prime DIES Next issue."

Then it's to be continued, because it's required by federal law that all Blackest Night Dark Sky tie-ins go at least two issues.

Superman/Batman, or, if you will, Bizarro/Man-Bat #66:  “Superman/Batman” takes a detour from its frequently non-continuity self to dive headfirst into continuity.  Actually, considering that this issue springs from a recently concluded mini and dovetails into a linewide event born out of two other ongoings and accompanied by no fewer than eight mini-series and as many one-shots . . . I’d say that “Superman/Batman” has jumped the corpse into full-on continuity whoredom.  Collecting the money from this particular worker is Scott Kolins; the writer and artist of the “Solomon Grundy” mini-series, which ended with Grundy rising as a Black Lantern, is on duty here.

In addition to Grundy, Kolins got to play with two other noted DC monster freaks: Bizarro and Man-Bat.  Much of this crossover issue has less to do with Blackest Night and more to do with Bizarro being lonely and Man-Bat being, well, a pain in the ass.  Seriously, we also had Man-Bat giving Batman and Huntress a hard time this week in “Streets of Gotham”; now he’s over here being a burden to both his wife and S.H.A.D.E., represented by Frankenstein and The Bride.  Mrs. Man-Bat just wants to cure her husband (in fact, the display of emotion between the two apparently makes Frankenstein a bit randy; check out the two panels where he and Bride exchange monster-like grunts in response).

Bizarro mixes things up by grabbing kindred spirit Man-Bat while trying to make friends.  That moment is broken up by BL Grundy, whom Bizarro recalls fondly, no doubt from the days when he and Grundy used to sit next to one another and break tables at Legion of Doom meetings.   Man-Bat eventually makes it back to his wife, who offers him a beaker full of a possible cure for his condition.  However, in the sky, Grundy gets the upper hand and prepares to extract Bizarro’s undoubtedly cube-shaped heart.

And THAT is where we end it, because it’s required by federal law that all Blackest Night Dark Sky tie-ins go at least two issues.

The Outsiders #24:  Because three issues of Black Lantern Terra in “Blackest Night: Titans” just weren’t enough, she shows up over here, too.  BLT seems to have it a little more together and wants Brion to help her, but she’s obviously kinda known for being a traitor.  I was a little amused at the bit where Terra saw Black Lightning as “hopeful” with her BL Vision while she was discussing the possibility that the Outsiders would have to kill her.  Is our takeaway supposed to be that Jeff WANTED to smoke Terra?  I’d be fine with that.  

Elsewhere, Katana, Halo, and Creeper are transporting Killer Croc.  Katana and Halo are trying to have one of their old-buddy talks when BL versions of Katana’s late husband and children show up.  It’s the holidays; relatives always show up without calling.  Anyway, the truck gets wrecked and Katana finds herself giving in to emotion due to the kids.  Just then, something hits them like a ray of sun, burning through the darkest night; we can see our Halo, and those kids didn’t even put up a fight.  Hell, they didn’t even make a sound.

It’s not long before Katana winds up facing her BL husband, and . . . SCENE.  It’s my legal duty to remind you that it’s required by federal law that all Blackest Night Dark Sky tie-ins go at least two issues.

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