Damn Dirty Skrulls: What We Know Now 13

Damn Dirty Skrulls: What We Know Now 13

The Skrull’s attack/invasion/take-over continues, and while it’s not the eleven books in two weeks extravaganza we previously had, we do have four more tie-ins, with more green-skinned shape-shifting aliens than you can shake a fist at. All that, plus “Hammer Time,” a training montage, and more! What’re you waiting for, get reading!

Iron Man: Director of S.H.I.E.L.D. aka War Machine: Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. #33: Remember when the Skrull’s alien virus infected all of StarkTech, sending Iron Man, Helicarriers, and more into utter chaos? No? Well, it all happened, and here we pick up with Rhodey when the mass failure occurred. Jim gets an automated message and a GPS Beacon alert from Stark, much to Skrullow Jacket’s dismay. The Skrull power replications continues to move from the realm of “Cool, check out that mix!” to “Seriously? If they can replicate that, how can Earth’s heroes POSSIBLY win!” In recent issues, we’ve seen that the Skrulls can now replicate the power cosmic in both Galactus and Silver Surfer Skrulls, they can replicate a primal force of the universe in the Phoenix Force, and now they’ve also replicated the Nova Force. Woah! Suzi Endo! In a nice Force Works reunion, we see she got called in as well, and Rhodey reveals to her that he’s been replaced by Vic Stone in the suit. Anyhow, Tony has a secret satellite that’s made of the same non-StarkTech erm…tech as War machine’s suit. The Skrulls followed Rhodey to the satellite, but they have a surprise waiting for them. Using his Matrix-jacks to plug in, Suzi gets Jim all set in the newest War Machine armor: the entire gigantic satellite goes all Transformers, and Cyborg-in-Jazz is ready to rock!

Secret Invasion: Thor #2: This issue rather cleverly juxtaposes the life-and-death struggle occurring in Asgard with Dr. Blake attempting to deliver a baby during the resultant raging storms and adverse conditions. Up across the Rainbow Bridge, the Skrulls attack; Beta Ray Bill and Balder rally the Aesir, and the fight is on. I have to give the Skrulls an A for unique strategy this time out. They attempt to take out Bill by pitting against their version of Large Marge from Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure. This Conchata Ferrell-esque invader combines some of the abilities of some of Marvel’s most powerful women, and she basically flat kicks Bill’s ass. Frankly, things don’t go that well for Asgard as a whole. On the upside, the issue ends as Blake, done with his day job, shows up in time to tag in for his boy with a badass line. This makes me wonder: has Thor ever indulged the most obvious line he could ever use, “It be Hammer Time!”? Seriously, he’s big on “I would have words with thee” or “Have at thee!” or “I say thee nay!” but never a quick, simple, “It be Hammer Time!” I guess Thor doesn’t have much of a sense of humor. Or much love for sanitized hip-hop. He probably just throws on Led Zeppelin III once a week.

Guardians of the Galaxy #5: Must all doggies with health conditions go bad? First, the beloved pup, Cerebos of Incredible Hercules turns out to be a Damn Dirty Skrull. Now, cone-collar-wearing Cosmo appears to be in league with the green bastards as well?! Oh, the humanity! (Well, we guess it’s not humanity, but still . . .) We hold out hope that Cosmo’s a swerve, but it would appear that the architects of Secret Invasion hate dogs as much as writer __________________ hates your childhood. (Don’t pretend; I know you just mentally filled in that blank). In other news, Drax prepares to kill everyone (of course he does; he’s The Destroyer. What’s he gonna do? Garden?). Female Starhawk apparently wants to destroy the station too. Is anyone happy to be there? Groot, perhaps? At any rate, it all ends with converging cliffhangers and the whole cast in more peril than the economy.

The Mighty Avengers #18 shows us another training montage of Nick Fury’s Secret Howling Warrior Caterpillar Commandos™. Those red circles around gigantic polaroids on his wall are apparently those he thinks are most likely to have been Skrull-ified (including Sentry and Doctor Strange), and he sends the kids to kidnap Maria Hill. That is, of course, after an extended training/torture montage, wherein Madame Hydra gets totally served. Turns out, the kids can work as a team pretty well, and successfully capture Hill…or rather her LMD. That’s right, she paid attention to Nicky-boy! As they’re running from their latest warehouse-cum-hideout, they see the reports- it’s a full-scale invasion, and Mighty Avengers (which, it should be noted, once again did not feature any Avengers) is finally caught up to Secret Invasion #1. Since we’ve already seen Nick Fury’s Secret Howling Warrior Caterpillar Commandos™ (come on Marvel, just go for it and change the name of the new book to that!) leap into action in the main mini-series, there’s no telling what we’ll see from the next issue of this book, but rest assured, the story is “to be continued…”

Troy and Lucas would like to take this opportunity to pitch an all-new one-shot to Marvel: What If? Luke Cage was Thor’s mortal vessel? “It’s Hammer Time!” “I’m droppin the hammer on these b!™ç#35!” “I’m about to whoop your @ss, verily!” Sharpie.

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